In a world full of unimaginable absurdity, we spend a lot of time thinking about the future… and to where all of this insanity leads.
“Future Headline Friday” is our satirical take of where the world is going if it remains on its current path. While our satire may be humorous and exaggerated, rest assured that everything we write is based on actual events, news stories, personalities, and pending legislation.
August 25, 2029: Ex-Mayor “Harvey” the Ham Sandwich Indicted on RICO Charges
Divide, Colorado is a picturesque town high in the Rocky Mountains on the north slope of Pike’s Peak, population 143.
For years locals have made a habit of electing dogs and cats as mayor.
It was a big upset in 2014, for example, when a search & rescue bloodhound named Pa Kettle beat Herbie the donkey, Gracie the mustang, and Blackberry the hedgehog, to become mayor that year.
Before that, Walter the Cat had been Mayor of the town.
But citizens went a different direction in the mid-2020s, forgoing their usual animal choices and instead electing inanimate objects. First it was the mayor ‘Harvey Hamm’ in 2026, a ham sandwich that had been prepared by a local eatery. Then in last year’s 2028 election, voters chose a local fir tree located in the town square.
But unlike past elections, 2028’s was quite contentious.
Over 200 votes were cast in the town of 143. Local election officials said there were a number of mail-in ballots from out-of-town residents. But, suspecting some irregularities, many Harvey Hamm supporters challenged the election results.
This challenge escalated into a back-and-forth with the local press slamming Harvey Hamm supporters as “conspiracy theorists” and a “threat to democracy”.
In the end, the fir tree was sworn in as Mayor. But Teller County’s prosecutor wasn’t willing to let the matter go.
After an eight month investigation at taxpayer expense, prosecutors have filed RICO charges (Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations) against three local Harvey Hamm supporters, as well as the former Mayor Harvey Hamm itself.
The famous words of Federal Judge Sol Wachtler have become prophetic: a district attorney has finally persuaded a grand jury to indict a ham sandwich.
All defendants are required to turn themselves in to the local jail for booking and processing— although it is unclear whether or not the ham sandwich will be able to comply.
This is just the latest wave of prosecutions that started in 2023 with former President Trump.
Local prosecutors across Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas and Florida retaliated by filing charges against former President Obama in 2024, former President Biden in 2025, former Speaker Pelosi in 2026, and former California Governor Newsom in 2027.
That only spurred the Democrats to themselves retaliate. They filed charges against former President George W. Bush in 2024, former Governor DeSantis in 2026, and even posthumously indicted the remains of Ronald Reagan last year in 2028.
And of course there have been hundreds of other members of Congress, plus state and local politicians, who have been prosecuted and convicted, from local dog catchers and county clerks to state representatives and US Senators.
For example, a Republican roadkill warden from Pennsylvania was indicted for a “conspiracy” in which several dead animals were hit in front of a Democrat politician’s home in a short time-span.
The head of Parks and Recreation in a small Louisiana town was indicted for hate crimes after she accidentally gave a gay couple wrong directions.
And a Democrat town councilor was indicted by a Republican district attorney in Idaho after she incorrectly folded an American flag.
While not all are convicted, there is at least a very high likelihood of politicians being charged with a crime after they leave office by a local district attorney from the opposing party.
As a result, California Congressmen Darrell Issa and Adam Schiff teamed up to introduce legislation to form special federal and state prison wards specifically for political convicts.
The legislation was passed unanimously last year. And that turned out to be a smart move for Issa and Schiff, both of whom have now left Congress and been convicted of wire fraud. They are each serving time in the new political wing of California’s infamous San Quentin state prison.
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